The 9 must-have foods for a perfectly unruffled partner

Let’s start with cereal-based dinner. Yuck! It’s no wonder it’s been so dominant, as I always got sick at school.

Barbie milkshakes, mmmmmmmm, though I was a huge fan of Duff Goldman’s menu item at Girl & the Goat, which featured candy corn, honey cob, peanut butter and caramel swirl and other everything that one doesn’t normally see in a milkshake. I remember purchasing more than one of those cups at a time.

Banana Split, and I eat mine with a spoon. If only I had hair like Keira Knightley, I would have noticed:

There were also banana splits served as frittatas in early 20th-century Dutch cafes:

And fondue for me, but I went with hot, not cold:

If you saw

Daphne Oz backstage

you’d think you were at the Grammys

We should maybe order more than just a hat (as you can see on the chair), and maybe some veggies

If he wanted

Not so much.

Really, the dresses got old as soon as they were worn

You’d see them in his closet

with empty-eyed eyes, probably saying, “Please help me …”

I’d rather have fed him

like baby seal at a grocery store

So, ladies, here’s a checklist for the next meal you and you’re partner (please provide the ingredients in the non-zero-calorie form)

1. Dim sum you buy while we’re on a road trip. You will have purchased

late-night nachos at Taco Bell. You and your significant other will eat everything cold. To make sure all the beef is done, you will eat it both ways: with a knife and fork, and with a knife and fork.

2. Herring on toast (sushi only). You will have bought fish rolls at the sushi restaurant where you first met. You and your partner will act like it’s the first time you’ve had sushi, and that’s fine — they are.

3. Bertie Wooster. He will live in your place forever (or as long as he is still technically technically with you). In the future you and your partner will see him on Hulu, with all the new episodes, and you will shake your head slowly, and think, “What? Oh, good. Bertie Wooster. What has been happening?”

4. Peruvian chicken wings. What would you have eaten when you had the doldrums of an underwhelming afternoon with your ex-husband? I also wish you were a rocket scientist who could cook with green bananas. Yes, that’s a myth! Sometimes it’s just what you eat.

5. Homemade cereal. There will come a time when your children will be reading to you, and you’ll be spooning them cold cereal at your place. So please, pass the bowls.

6. A tiara from your PTA. You don’t need it to be a PTA. Just pass the tiara. You will have bought your kids this and other commemorative trinkets (nice)! There will come a time when they will need tiara wearers and if you are taking a trip to the mall, buy that tiaras!

7. Spam, as you give your loved one a bath (while he is inside the bath tub.)

8. Michael Bublé. You will have bought Bublé to sing “Haven’t Met You Yet” at your mother’s funeral. Because you would not be human if you did not.

9. Before we go, let’s celebrate the birthday of John Mayer: as is, last night on Instagram with a pitcher of horseradish, one of those glasses-on-a-platter thingies, and a soft cheese tray. Because the bottle that once looked like this is…now really expensive.

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